“Ask an Uptight Seattleite” is one my favorite humor columns. As someone who has spent a lot of time driving in Boston and NYC, driving in Seattle has been an exercise in frustration. Passive, self-righteous drivers who compete to see who can wait the longest at 4-way stop signs are everywhere. Given this deeply held belief, yesterday’s column had me laughing to the point of tears.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Why can’t you people fucking drive? News flash: Your tires are made of high-tech rubber. A little drizzle isn’t going to make them slide off the road. I learned to drive while negotiating tractor trailers, grandma-driven Chryslers, UPS vans, and BMW yuppies, all of them cutting each other off on the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, and to me it’s like your roads are clogged with impossibly slow, dumb animals. I could go on, but I recognize your time is valuable, and I’m sure you have a new package from Netflix to attend to.

Brooklyn Babe

A snippet from the response since most of you won’t click through:

To achieve a greater harmony with Seattle traffic—and isn’t that what you really want?—I suggest you first take a deep, calming breath before you turn the key in the ignition. When you’ve slowed down your mind, you’ll see it’s perfectly OK to drive 5 miles an hour and hesitate at each intersection while trying to decide whether or not to turn. You’re actually doing the drivers behind you a favor by enforcing a more meditative and sensible pace.

Does rain necessitate driving even more slowly? Well, maybe there are undiscovered properties of rain that make it highly dangerous. Can you prove that there aren’t? No, you can’t. Isn’t it then sort of close-minded of you to criticize? Much better instead to surrender to the rhythms of our content, slow-moving herd.